


Growing pains

by scalira



Series: We will find each other in every universe [3]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: M/M, Pansexual Simon Lewis, Practice Kissing, but it's still kinda nice tho, childhood AU, demiromantic asexual Raphael Santiago, i started this but got bored halfway im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-26
Updated: 2016-06-26
Packaged: 2018-07-18 10:57:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7312231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scalira/pseuds/scalira
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Raphael and Simon become friends when they're 10. Raphael quickly realizes he wants Simon to be more than that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Growing pains

Despite his unimpressive age of ten, Raphael Santiago already has a long list of things he hates.

To give a few examples:

  1. Broccoli
  2. Bedtime
  3. Math
  4. Being grounded
  5. Having to share his toys with his brothers



But above all those things, there’s one thing he absolutely cannot stand: bullies.

His mother has always told him that _everyone_ deserves to be treated kindly. A lawyer doesn’t have more right to be treated kindly as a garbage man and a barista and doctor both are equal when it comes to being nice to them. This also means that nobody is allowed to bully others and nobody deserves to be bullied.

And though Raphael isn’t the tallest boy on the block, he has always been ready to fight for what he thinks is right.

He doesn’t even really know Simon Lewis. He knows _of_ him, having seen him around the block with a redhead girl that always seems to be with him. They often run around chasing each other, making weird noises to stimulate space sounds as they jump from yard to yard as if they’re on the moon. Raphael has often thought of joining them, but his brothers usually demand too much attention for him to go wandering off to some other kids.

It’s around the holidays, but even the cold and snow can’t chase the children back inside. Their neighborhood is filled with cheering kids, showing off the presents they got and having snowball fights, occasionally yelling that they can’t get dirty because they’re wearing new clothes.

Raphael himself is sitting on the curb watching his brothers, who are taking turns riding their new tricycle on the slippery road. He’s gathering snow with his feet to make it into some snowballs to attack them with when he hears someone yell.

The noise is coming from across the street, where Simon Lewis is jumping to retrieve something from a taller form.

“Hey, give that back!” He demands, grabbing at the object the other person is holding above their head.

“Or what? You gonna cry?” The other person asks, holding the object even higher.

“Seriously, Dylan, give it back! It’s mine!”

“Now it’s mine.”

“But I got that for Chanoeka!”

“Chanoe-wha? Just say Christmas, weirdo.”

Simon jumps again and grabs onto Dylan’s wrist, but the taller boy easily pushes him off. Simon trips and falls backwards, causing his glasses to fall off.

Dylan laughs cruelly and is already making a move to leave, the toy still in his hands, but Raphael is up on his feet and across the street before he can take off.

“Give that toy back,” he says calmly. Dylan has to look down to look him in the eye, which seems to please him. He grins and Raphael notices he’s missing his front teeth.

“You gonna take it from me, little goblin?”

“Yeah.”

Dylan laughs.

“I’d like to see you try.”

He stretches his arm to give Raphael a shove, but before he can do so Raphael grabs his wrist, pulls him down and hits him right on the nose.

“Auw!” Dylan whimpers, pressing his hand against his nose. That gives Raphael the opportunity to hit him in the gut and grab the toy when Dylan doubles over, gasping for air.

He walks back to Simon, who’s still sitting in the snow. Raphael reaches for his glasses lying on the ground, wipes the snow off them and hands them to the other boy.

When Simon has put them back on, Raphael offers him the Captain America toy Dylan took from him.

“Thanks,” Simon smiles warmly as he takes the toy.

“No problem,” Raphael shrugs. He suddenly feels shy and wants to turn around and go back to his house when Simon says: “Hey, you wanna – uh. Come play with me?”

Raphael looks from Simon’s face to the action figure and back.

“I’m more a fan of Iron Man,” he apologizes. Simon’s smile turns into a grin.

“I have an Iron Man action figure inside!”

Raphael hesitates. He’s never been invited to someone else’s house before. What if Simon doesn’t like him or thinks he’s weird?

He looks back to his house, but his brothers have already gone back inside and are probably watching cartoons. He isn’t supposed to be home for two more hours, so he really doesn’t have a valid excuse not to come with Simon.

When he looks back at Simon, he’s still patiently waiting for Raphael to reply. His glasses are slipping from the bridge of his nose as he waits and Raphael pushes them back up for him.

“Okay,” he says, “let’s go.”

***

To say they become inseparable after that would be a bridge too far, but they do start hanging out with each other more. Raphael often comes over and they watch cartoons or play with action figures or pretend to be space men or knights or whatever they come up with that day. Clary is there too sometimes, but Raphael and Clary have taken a mutual disliking for each other, so they mostly stay out of each other’s way and Simon tries to juggle his time with both of them equally.

As winter break comes to an end, Raphael already starts the acceptance process of not seeing Simon anymore after this. Though they go to the same school, he never really seemed to pay attention to Raphael before. But on the first day of school, Simon is impatiently waiting at his front door when he comes out of his house.

“Come on!” He urges, “we’re gonna miss the bus if you keep slacking like that!”

They end up having to run to catch the bus and Raphael has to pick Simon up a few times because he keeps slipping on the snow. They’re both pink-cheeked and laughing when they finally plop down in their seats.

Raphael quickly realizes he’ll have to let go off his irrational dislike for Clary once they’re all put in the same class. Of course Simon is overjoyed because he has his two closest friends with him now. Both Clary and Raphael seem a bit more reluctant, but they agree to put aside their differences for Simon.

They eventually become a somewhat unusual trio. Simon and Clary really aren’t the kind of people Raphael would normally hang out with – to be honest, before them he didn’t hang out with _anyone_. But it’s nice. They’re nice. They do their homework together and come over to each other’s houses every afternoon to watch some TV or play (Raphael isn’t too pleased he always has to play the kid when they’re playing family and offers to play the dad more than once, but Clary always makes a face because she doesn’t want to play that she’s his wife (Raphael never mentions Clary could be the child and Simon the other dad)).

So overall it’s good. Raphael misses having Simon all to himself, but he’s always had trouble sharing. It’s just something he’ll have to learn.

And he has time, because he doesn’t think the three of them will ever reach a point where they’re not friends.

***

When Raphael turns twelve, he realizes some things. For example:

  1. He doesn’t like girls
  2. He also doesn’t like boys
  3. He knows there’s something wrong with that



Of course he _likes_ boys and girls. Most of them are very nice and he likes talking to them. But no matter how hard he tries, he can’t feel more for them than friendship.

He knows that by now he should know what it feels like to have a crush. He asked Simon about it once, who just turned bright red and stuttered an incoherent reply about not having looked at a girl ever in his entire life and not knowing what he was talking about.

He asks his mom about it too, because she’s his mom and he tells her everything. She just smiles and tells him it’s very normal for boys his age to not know what it’s like to be in love and that his time will come. He just has to be patient and wait for the right person.

Being patient never really was one of Raphael’s best virtues, but he tries anyway.

***

A few things have changed when Raphael turns sixteen. By now, he realizes that he never liked girls and will also never like them, no matter how hard he tries. But he does like boys – and one boy in particular.

That boy also happens to be his best friend, which totally makes Raphael a cliché pining high school student.

He thinks he can manage these newfound feelings by just ignoring them – much like he ignores all of his feelings. He’s doing a pretty good job at it as well, but then Simon comes up with the genius idea to practice kissing on him.

“Wh – what?” Raphael stutters when he suggests it. They were just chilling in Simon’s room, having replaced action figures with computer games and cartoons with listening to music years ago, when Simon casually suggested it like it was nothing.

“Yeah, you know. Just to try it. We both never kissed anyone before so I think we can both use the practice.”

“Where are you getting this from? Did you see that on TV or something?”

“No,” Simon grins smugly, “I came up with it all on my own like the smart guy I am.”

Raphael narrows his eyes at him.

“You came up with this plan just to kiss me? That’s kinda gay,” Raphael jokes.

“Haha, you’re so funny.”

Simon came out to him as pansexual earlier that year, and ever since it’s been a running joke between them to call everything Simon does ‘a little gay’. Raphael is still in the closet though, afraid that Simon will look at him differently when he finds out Raphael likes boys. That’s why this is a difficult situation for him to be in.

“Look, I know I’m incredibly attractive and all that, but kissing me won’t turn you gay too. I promise.”

Raphael wants to laugh and say he has no idea, but instead he just sighs and puts away the game controller he had been holding.

“Okay, fine. But no funny business!”

“Relax. I’m not gonna hit on you or whatever.”

“Then we’re cool.”

Simon rolls his eyes at him and puts away his controller too, shifting on his bed until they’re facing each other. Then his expression turns shy.

“Okay, so, uh – how are we gonna… do this?” He wonders. Raphael glances at his lips and licks his own, remembering how many times he fantasized about kissing Simon. The way he would curl his hand around his neck, pull him closer and capture his lips with his own. Simon would gasp and kiss him back, moving his lips against his and eventually slipping in his tongue.

It’s that exact fantasy that pushes Raphael over the edge and makes him lift his hand to cup the back of Simon’s neck.

“Stay still,” he says softly, and Simon freezes almost immediately. Raphael moves closer until their foreheads are resting against each other, waits for a heartbeat and then finally connects their lips.

Simon doesn’t gasp like Raphael has imagined so often, but he does make a soft sound at the back of his throat when Raphael tilts his head to deepen the kiss.

It doesn’t run as smooth as Raphael thought it would. There’s some teeth bumping and Simon’s tongue feels weird and slippery, almost like a slug, but after some awkward position changes they seem to get the hang of it.

Simon grabs into Raphael’s hair with one hand as they kiss, his other hand travelling down his body until it’s resting on his side. Raphael’s hands are still on Simon’s neck, feeling his rapid heartbeat.

And then Simon pulls Raphael onto his lap with one swift movement and Raphael is caught off guard, briefly pulling back but immediately reeled back in by Simon. And they just continue kissing as Raphael sits in his lap, now both occasionally making soft noises and grabbing into each other’s hair.

Raphael is the first one to pull back for real this time, out of breath and hands slightly shaking. When he looks down at Simon, he notices his lips are red and swollen.

“That was one hell of a first kiss,” Simon breathes, his hands still resting on Raphael’s sides. Raphael doesn’t trust his voice, so he just nods as reply.

Simon’s eyes dart to Raphael’s mouth and he stretches his neck to kiss him again, but Raphael gets off his lap and onto his feet before he can.

“I – I should go,” he stammers, his voice unsteady.

“Raphael – ” Simon starts, but Raphael is already gathering his stuff. This is all just practice to Simon, but it’s way more than that to Raphael. He can’t just sit here and let Simon break his heart when he’s practiced enough and is ready to move onto other people.

“Raphael, please – ” Simon’s voice breaks halfway through his sentence. He starts over, but his voice is too soft to reach Raphael across the room.

Whatever he’s trying to say, Raphael doesn’t give him the chance to try again before darting out of his room, down the stairs and out of his house.

***

Raphael would love to say the kiss didn’t affect their friendship, but the opposite is true.

They stop hanging out after the incident in Simon’s room, probably both too embarrassed to face each other. Raphael starts hanging out with Magnus more, who is a friend of a friend he gets along with quite well. Meanwhile, Simon and Clary are as close as they’ve ever been.

Maybe even too close.

Raphael has assumptions about them because he isn’t blind. He sees the way Simon looks at her, the way he used to talk about her to him. And a few weeks after the kiss, his assumptions come true when he finds out they’re dating.

He has to hear it from Magnus, who just kinda thought he already knew.

Raphael locks himself in the boys restroom that day and cries, trying to stifle his sobs by stuffing a fist into his mouth. He feels sick and skips the rest of the day, just lying in bed and staring at the ceiling.

He doesn’t think he would be this hurt if Simon would start dating anyone else. It’s just the fact that he chose _Clary_ , who’d been part of their trio for _years_ that rubbed Raphael the wrong way. Or maybe it was because he chose her instead of him.

He avoids both of them for a few weeks, until one night Simon is standing in front of his door.

“What are you doing here?” Raphael asks, trying to keep his voice steady.

“Clary and I split up,” Simon blurts.

“Good for you.”

“She uh – she found out she likes girls. I think I should be offended or hurt in my masculinity or whatever, but I just feel relieved.”

Raphael sighs and crosses his arms over his chest.

“Why do you think I care, Simon?”

Simon opens and closes his mouth, nervously bouncing from leg to leg.

“I – I don’t – Raphael, can we talk? Inside? Please?”

Raphael should tell him to go take a walk, to leave him alone. But Simon never intentionally did anything to _purposely_ hurt Raphael, so he really can’t be rude to him. To be honest, he wouldn’t be able to be rude to him even if he had personally killed his cat. So he steps aside and lets Simon in, leading him to his room before his mom can come look who’s at the door.

Once they’re in his room, Raphael impatiently turns around to Simon and urges him to speak.

“Are you mad at me?” Simon asks, shyly looking away from Raphael’s face. That catches Raphael off guard, and he lets his arms fall next to his sides.

“No, of course not. Why do you think that?”

Simon shrugs sheepishly.

“You – you kinda stopped talking to me after… you know, after we kissed. I figured I must’ve done something wrong.”

Raphael exhales deeply and sits down on the edge of his bed. Simon follows.

“Yeah, you kissed me and then you started dating Clary. How do you think that made me feel, Simon?”

Simon frowns.

“I – I don’t know.”

“It made me feel like you _used_ me. Just for practice.”

“I thought we _were_ practicing?”

“No, _you_ were practicing. It was more for me.”

Simon stares at him, lips slightly parted and eyes wide. It would have looked comical in any other situation.

“I asked you to stay, Raphael. But you were so quick to leave you didn’t even hear me.”

Raphael looks down at his hands in his lap, feeling embarrassed and angry.

“So you started dating Clary instead?”

“I thought – I thought you didn’t want me and I thought I wanted Clary but -  I really don’t. I know that now.”

Raphael glances at the other boy from underneath his eyelashes.

“What do you want then, Simon?”

It’s quiet for a heartbeat, and then Simon says, clear and confident: “You.”

Raphael’s head shoots up in shock. Simon is looking at him expectantly, waiting for him to say something.

“I – I’m – are you sure?” He stutters, feeling his cheeks burn up. Simon carefully reaches out to take his hand.

“I’m sure. And I’m sorry it took me this long to realize this and I’m sorry I hurt you. I never intended to.”

“I know,” Raphael whispers.

“So… can I kiss you again? For real this time, not for practice?” Simon asks.

Raphael pretends to think about it for a second, and then he nods.

Their second kiss is slower than the first, more exploring. They both know this is real this time, that this is the start of something new and terrifying. Raphael is a little scared, but when Simon gasps into his mouth just like he imagined he would, he knows they’re gonna be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> For the Tumblr prompt: things you said too quietly


End file.
